Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Massage Giants and Migraines

There is a knock at the door and a 17 1/2 stone giant turns up with a Yorkshire accent declares; "I'm here to give you a massage".  In he trundled with a 21 year old folding bed (much stronger than the cheap ones they make nowadays he tells me) and a bag full of oils and gadgets (only a few of which he ever uses).

So why not.  I've tried so many other possible treatments to alleviate my migraine, why not massage.  This is why I booked him for a home visit.  If nothing else, at least I would feel relaxed afterwards.  So I undress my top half and get on this antiquated bed with a little trepidation but it did feel quite sturdy.  Then he prepared the hole.  You know the one.  It allows your head to point straight down so you don't have to bend your neck through a 45 degree angle and force your body to twist behind it.  Well my massage giant put a clean, but well used towel over the hole.  That's over it.  Not around it.  And told me to lie down.  So breathing wasn't quite as easy as perhaps it should be but I'll be ok.

As he grabs my right arm and pulls it sharply upwards (I am lying down by this point so imagine a half way arm lock) he starts to regale me with stories of his working life.  As a prison guard.  I can only imagine that he uses a similar technique on the inmates.  It wasn't the most pleasant massage position I have ever received.  Then he shoves his fingers underneath my now raised shoulder blade and thrusts them back and forth.

Um... permission to scream in pain???  Oh, ok permission denied.

But then the strangest thing happened.  Whatever muscle he has been pummelling must have decided that under the circumstances, after taking each view into consideration and looking at all of the options from each perspective, considering that there was a 17 1/2 stone giant attacking it, the best thing to do was probably to do what it was being asked to do and relax.  The pain under my shoulder blade disappeared.

Gently placing my arm by my side he decided to turn his attention to my neck.  This involved standing at the top of the bed, holding my head in both hands, and pulling.  Really pulling.  I mean really, really pulling.  You can stop now as my head might come off pulling.

By this point I was starting to get a little scared and decided to try and steer things to a conclusion.  As it happened, this was pretty much all he had to offer.  There was a bit more light pummelling on my back, but it felt like a bit of an afterthought and that was that.

As I was about to get up he grabbed me with both hands and lifted me, horizontally, off the bed, twisted me forwards to a dead vertical stop with my feet on the ground glad to be under my own control again.  He didn't want to put any undue strain on the legs of his bed.

The next day I got a migraine!  Yes I know that you are meant to give these things a while to start working... But would you have done???